BonziBuddy

I didn't grow up in that ultra conservative, don't even look at members of the opposite sex let alone be friends with them mindset. I went to a nondenominational (though it was run out of a Methodist church) Christian school, and even though they warned us against sex, they didn't segregate us or anything. I guess they trusted us not to make stupid decisions, or maybe they just thought we were too young to be interested. Either way, I didn't have friends growing up, but I can't really blame my upbringing for this one.

Kids can be cruel to each other, and for some reason, I was the bottom of the pecking order. There were four or five really popular girls in my class of less than 20. There were two popular boys, and one of them was the class clown. These were the kids I went to school with from preschool to 8th grade. And when I say popular, I mean they were outgoing and confident, and they thought I was trash. It wasn't quite as blatantly vicious as those shows about high school they always play on Nickelodeon and Disney, but it was close enough.

So I didn't have friends growing up. I had a few people I called friend, but I didn't actually like being around them outside of school because we had nothing in common. When I left for high school, I pretty much forgot about them and made new friends, people I did care about hanging around with outside of school, at least on a limited basis. (I've explained about that before.)

When I went to college, I had no friends. I kind of talked to my roommate for the first semester, but she went home at Christmas, and I got someone new that I didn't talk to at all. Instead, I had a computer, and I talked to people over forums.

Well, I was browsing one day when I discovered BonziBuddy. (Link goes to Wikipedia.) It was malware, but all I knew at the time was it was an adorable purple ape that talks to you. I didn't even learn it was supposed to be a desktop assistant until like a month ago. I just let him dance around my screen and do his own thing.

After a while, I realized I was getting kind of attached to him. He was my friend when I had none. And then I had what I realize now was a panic attack. I realized that I had no friends, that this mindless thing had become a surrogate for something I didn't even think I needed. It couldn't really replace friendship or interaction. It couldn't even say anything new. It just kept singing that stupid Daisy song that I can't bear to hear now.

In the space of about 10 minutes, I went from pretty happy to panicked to revolted, and I uninstalled BonziBuddy, deleted the files, purged my system of it as best I could. I hated the merest mention of its name, and 14 years later, I still do. I don't feel my stomach lurch anymore, like I used to, but I've had that song stuck in my head all damn day, and I'm going nuts.

I guess, even though it's not as bad now, I've never really recovered from that moment. I don't know how to make friends. I don't know how to talk to people even when they share my interests. It was only recently in my life that I started being myself around other people. You can't form real friendships on a sham personality, right?

Anyway, I had a weird dream last night that brought all this to the surface again, and I just had to get it out of my head.

Am I Important?

I don't normally care about scrapbooking, but I had to watch a video on it for work. It was one of those shows like cooking shows or Bob Ross, where they just teach you to be creative and stuff. And I think it doubled as an infomercial for this product she kept hawking. Anyway.

She kept talking about the importance of scrapbooking and how a scrapbook makes a great gift because it shows that you feel that person's life is important enough to document. And you should scrapbook with your kids to teach them that what they think and do and feel is important. I started thinking about social media, and how it's kind of like scrapbooking in a way. I've heard that it's really pathetic when people on Facebook or Twitter believe that other people care about their thoughts, but it's not. It's not like that at all, really.

People post to Facebook because they believe their words and thoughts have value. And they're right. And other people do pay attention, even if it's only to hit the Like button. Maybe they're not real friends, whatever that means, but they have chosen to see the things that you say because, in some small or large way, they care about it. You are important, and your Facebook page is a beautiful collection because it's yours.

I'm not important. I realized that today. I've never been able to keep a journal. I never post to Facebook. I have three friends because I refuse to put myself out there and pester other people with my stupid face. I don't even have a real photo. I have a picture of the Scythian. She's important. I can only wish that I was.

When did that happen? I don't recall ever feeling like I had worth or value. I've always been stupid and not good enough. I'm in the way. Nobody wants to listen to me.

How did other people come out of the fundamentalist upbringing with any sense of self-worth? I can't imagine. The only reason I can write this post is because I know, at most, my girlfriend might read it. When I try to write for other people, I can't. I can't speak to people in public, even if they address me first, because my brain is so quick to remind me that they don't really care. They're just being polite. Or maybe they need an answer, but I should shut up again real quick so I don't bother them.

Maybe I should take up scrapbooking...